Vicious circle

We are all slaves and failures of our own mental blocks. We assume too much and too often. We live with our preconceived notions with an expectation to find, to achieve something new. We pretend more than we believe. We conclude more than we see. Following a theoretical set of instructions , an already followed path is rejoiced as being smart. And that's how we live until we die.

Putting up with being myself crap!

As chuck says, I am not special, I am not crap or shit either. I am just what I am. People who love me want me to be the way they think is going to be the best for me, I owe them for that. Others want me to be the way they want me to be. I say, just accept me the way I am, if you could. That's how I live best, I accept myself. I am not sure whether apologizing for being disappointing would be the right thing and I seriously wish I could do that.
It might be an ideal world situation if I assume you to accept me the way I am for I accept you the way you are. Because I do not believe anymore in what you give is what you get and since it has been a long time that I have been singing this song with no audience :) , I put it all in the shit bag. Let me be myself for I am harmless. And if I be a botheration while I am on my way of being myself, feel free to change the lane, thy would follow. The feeling is not for sure of someone who is stuck, I am more at peace, at a place where I probably don't know who I am but I humbly accept the way I am.

Aaj fir ek samjhaute ki maut mara hun main

"aaj fir ek samjhaute ki maut mara hun main, kabhi takdeer se to kabhi khud se dara hun main,
milunga khud se kabhi na kabhi, bas isi ummeed par har dag chala hun main,
baar baar khudi ki chita ko aag deta chala hun main,
aaj fir ek samjhaute ki maut mara hun main"-Feb 19th

Chalna akela hai

Jheena hai daman har aas ka ab , dhundhla har aaine ka chehra hai,
hata nazar har intezaar ki dagar se, bhar le dum, ki chalna akela hai,
vyarth hai har din us saath ki umeed ka, jis saath ke har lamhe pe shart ka pehra hai,
kar band bhatakna har roz ik nayi mrig trshina ke peeche, jaag zara, ki chalna akela hai.

The curious case of Benjamin Button

Liked the movie mm by mm ! (taken from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0421715/quotes)

- "For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

-"Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss. "

-"You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. "

Thought-Board !

"Tainted dreams, blotted aspirations,
a confused mind, and some misguided speculations" - Just another day of an attempt to define things.

"I should better learn to concentrate on the thin line between illusions of positivity and shadows of negativity, called reality" - On a blue day, one of the things that I told myself when I was trying to push myself out of that region of vulnerability.


"Though I don't know what I want, but I do know what I don't want"- The closest I could figure out on the lines of What do I want!

"First you sell your degree then your skills and one day you sell your individuality to be happily known as someone working for somebody" - Though sounds freaky to me at times but a thought that occurred when subconsciously tried to relate fight club to the life around.

"The problem with time is that it never comes back.."- Realized it at one of the discussions (ego-bouts) at office!

"It is okay if no one calls you intelligent, but do not let anyone call you stupid" -From one of lectures (KBS) by Prof. HNM.

The Impossible - Joe Nicholas

My dad chased monsters from the dark
He checked underneath my bed
He could lift me with one arm
Way up over top his head
He could loosen rusty bolts
With a quick turn of his wrench
He pulled splinters from his hand
Never even flinched
In thirteen years I'd never seen him cry
But the day that grandpa died,I realized

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

And then there was my junior year
Billy had a brand new car
It was late,the road was wet
I guess the curves was just too sharp
I walked away without a scratch
They brought the helicopter in
And Billy couldn't feel his legs
Said he'd never walk again
But Billy said he would and his mom and daddy prayed
And the day we graduated,he stood up to say:

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

So don't tell me that it's over
Don't give up on you and me
'Cos there's no such thing as hopeless
If you believe:

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

Another last chance!

That was another last chance, another being-yourself crime,
when I gave things another try, again I brought myself to the rhyme,
things did not work, situation enjoyed the smirk,
hard to put words together, same old hat just one more feather,
amusing how things just never came back, only I did the whole flack,
another abrupt ending , but no regrets and no mending!

Degradation (and not so graceful !)

The questions stayed and the answers vanished. An year back around the same time
I knew(or at least I thought so) the answers to, Where(I think) I want to go, what(I think) I want to do
or at least the direction looked known to similar and familiar questions.
When I see the mirror there is a very confused entity, who with time while getting familiar to the ground rules of
"things" around(some good, some mean and some gross) got distracted.
Isn't it that life should go from the unknown to the known, to the unanswered to the figured out? If it is, degradation is the word.

Attitude Overrated!

(more of an observation rather than a conclusion)
I have never heard this word as much as I did over last one and a half years. People know it, people talk (about) it and people show it. I believe to the core that it does matter but I feel at times it gets overrated. Its a word I have seen mostly being used for individual conveniences and advantages. People just do something abrupt, behave in a screwed(slang!!) up manner and then just put the label - attitude. One classic example that I had observed and I am sure many of many would have observed is at the work-place. People are expected to work without so called "materialistic" aspirations keeping the relationship so one sided and oh yes they put that too under the attitude bar. If I had been data-centric I would have stated 60 of every 100 display messages on GTalk(bow-down) directly, indirectly lead to the holy grail 'attitude'. I personally feel at times it is just so overrated or may be its just that I have taken things a little too seriously.

Maa mujhe wahan le chalo!

Jahan na ho khamoshi ka shor,
jahan na hun main apna chor,
maa mujhe wahan le chalo!

jahan na ho aaine ka dar,
na katre jaate hon khudi ke par,
maa mujhe wahan le chalo!

A matter of faith

It was ignorant-me enough for a news like a group of some self-proclaimed "Religion-saving-Parishad" members blocking the road and creating as much inconvenience to the people as they could. With the TV remote in my hand I did the same to the news flashing about people creating the fuss over some comments by some mortal entity on Lord Rama and the associated artifacts and events, yes I changed the channel.
But the ignorance prevailed until yesterday when I heard about a bus being burnt and 2 people actually loosing their lives, paying the cost of someone's comments and more than that to others unique way of expressing the resentment which they call "right to protest". If this is the "right to protest", I have my own doubts on democracy.

All the time I kept on thinking whether someone's faith in their religion/God is so vulnerable that a mere human being's comment can disgrace something as eternal as a religion or God. If you amount your no way humanitarian actions to such a reason, I am afraid but its still a long way for you to be a follower of the religion or a devotee of God.

I know that I am not very good at history and might not even know enough about my religion's history and events but all my life, the stories of devotees of God that I kept on reading, hearing, and watching, never mentioned the devotees to be bothered to this extent to do such an act. I never read Meera Bai or Bhakt Prahlad even reacting to the comments they have been hearing all their lives about the immortal entities they devoted their life to. Aren't these stories/events part of Hinduism? If they are, I am sure that they have been there for a purpose, a purpose of setting up an example of faith in yourself and in the Almighty that is not bound to anyone's comments. And the example has been set not just for reading but to be followed by the followers of the religion.

The much I am aware of Hinduism(being a Hindu), one of the most prominent principles is "Nar hi Narayan hai" (My interpretation: God is present in all living entities) and if that bunch of anguished people have been following the religion with such a devotion, how could their acts result in the death of two human beings, who I believe were no less God's loved children than those who burnt them alive. How could one expect God to be happy with that, how could one expect the religion to be graced with that?

Kya se kya ho chuka hun main
Apni hi hansi ke peeche chhup ke kai baar ro chuka hun main!
Kuch paane ki chaah mein kitni baar khud ko kho chuka hun main!
Kitni baar jaagne ke samay pe karwat fer so chuka hun main!
Kya se kya ho chuka hun main!
[What have I become]

And it's over...

The month after 8th July, 2007-
It all started sometime around February 2005, when I started exploring the options to get one more chance to learn and compensate my past three and a half year's of negligence, ignorance called Bachelor Of Technology. I failed to educate myself irrespective of the way education has been imparted.

It was then when I realized what I am going to learn in a formality for partial fulfillment of my Bachelor's Degree, termed 6 months industrial training, which if you would ask me was never enough to fulfill the requirement. I panicked and panicked real well, decided to give GATE a shot though the ignorance ruled me through out. It was then when got to know about a place called IIITB and the pronunciation had a nice tone of respect. I applied, I appeared and I was through . A month or even more than that which I spent before hitting Bangalore, was more or less about mixed thoughts and the usually unjustified confusion of right and wrong for self.

The initial days weren't that comfortable 'n' convincing ! Encountered a lot of a lot better people which wasn't something new but still the average density was a little higher and disturbing as well at times. Much of the initial time for me went in convincing myself to believe that no matter how many times I fail or how bad I perform, I am going through it.

Along the way found some good acquaints and realized even greater friendships, which made the stay a lot better if not easier.

Since then I never felt the time flying by. And the feeling today is just like the feeling after a long sleep when the pre-sleep time is more fresh in your mind than the one after.

Though I need time to adjust my eyes to a more scorching sun, I enjoyed the sleep irrespective of that fact that It's over.

Lived one life, lived few dreams,
Some fulfilled some shattered,
On the time line are the moments scattered

Me and bloggin?

I won't blog, well the sluggish thought I always had whenever I saw a blog. Why would I?
Amusingly I don't have a justifying reason now either. The last nut was when Professor said " Hemant you should blog".